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Even more soccer jokes about English football teams and players.

A young football fan wins a competition to attend a World Cup game in South Africa with three football legends.

On the charter flight over the young fan is joined by Michel Platini, David Beckham and Pele.

Somewhere over Africa the plane runs into trouble and the pilot instructs them to go to the back of the plane, take a parachute and jump out.

However, when they get there, they find only three parachutes.

"I think I should have one," says Platini. "I am president of UEFA, and I have important work to do transforming the game in Europe." He takes a parachute and jumps out.

"I think I should have a parachute," says Beckham. "I am the most famous footballer in the world, the fans love me, and I'm very important to England's 2018 World Cup bid." He takes the second parachute and jumps out.

Pele turns to the young fan. "I've had a rich and full and successful life, whereas you have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute."

"Don't worry, Pele," says the youngster, "there are still two parachutes left."

"But how can that be?" asks Pele, puzzled.

"Well," says the fan, "David Beckham's just jumped out with my rucksack."

A man walks into a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon, just as the football results are coming up on the television.

"Liverpool 2, Portsmouth 0," reads the announcer at which the dog starts growling and barking at the television set.

"Why's he doing that?" asks the landlord.

"It's because he's a Portsmouth fan," the dog's owner replies.

"That's amazing," says the landlord. "What does he do when Pompey win?"

"I don't know," the man replies. "I've only had him three years."

Alex Fergusson is worried about his team's match sharpness, so he calls in a sports psychologist.

"Keep their minds alert by firing off questions at them all the time," the psychologist advises.

"Like what?" asks Fergie

"Well, mind puzzles usually work well. For example, 'I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?"

Not understanding the riddle, but not wanting to appear stupid Fergie just nods knowingly and agrees to give it a try. As soon as the psychologist leaves he gets on the phone to Arsene Wenger.

"Can you help me with this riddle", asks Fergie, "I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?"

"That's easy," replies Arsene, "It's me."

Now feeling quite chuffed with himself, Fergie decides to try out the riddle on the first player he encounters, which happens to be Rio Ferdinand. "Rio, I'm putting some new mental exercises in place, so see if you can solve this riddle."

"Sure boss, I'll give it a shot," says Rio

"I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?" asks Fergie.

A puzzled expression crosses Rio's face. "Gee, boss I don't know. I'm not very good at these things."

"Well, go home and think about it and tell me tomorrow," says Fergie

As soon as Rio gets home he decides to phone Frank Lampard. "Lamps, our boss has given me this riddle I can't answer, can you help me?"

"I'll try", says Frank, "what is it?"

"I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?", says Rio.

"Well that's easy", says Frank, "It's me."

Next morning Rio drops into Fergie's office feeling quite pleased with himself.

"Have you figured out the riddle yet", asks Fergie, "I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?"

"Yes Boss, It's Frank Lampard", replies Rio.

"Don't be stupid", Fergie snaps, "It's Arsene Wenger!"

A Chelsea fan, a Man United fan and a Liverpool fan walk into a pub. Each buys a pint and just as they were about to enjoy their drinks, a fly lands in each of their glasses.

The Chelsea fan pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Man United fan takes the fly out of his beer, and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Liverpool fan picks the fly out of his drink by the wings, holds it over the glass, and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

The FA was considering a scheme for simplifying club badges so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.

"Gentlemen," he said, "We have had an excellent response to our request for new club badge designs.

Most of the designs are perfectly straightforward and logical - a heart for Hartlepool, a sun for Sunderland, an ox for Oxford United.

And then we come to this submission from Arsenal."

A visitor to Greater Manchester one Saturday decides he would like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon.

"Well," replies the man, "the closest ground is The Reebok. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue. Join the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop."

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