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A collection of hilarious soccer jokes and one-liners about English football teams and players.

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to blame the Glazers for the light bulb going out in the first place, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

Q: What do Arsenal and a 3-pin plug have in common?
A: Both useless in Europe.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and a Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice.

The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Chelsea are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"

Q:What's the difference between Arsene Wenger and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine eventually stops whining!

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven, one to change it, one to moan about it, and five to tell you they have more history changing lightbulbs than anyone else.

A spectator hands over a 50 pound note to the turnstyle operator at St James Park.
Spectator: "Two please."
Turnstyle Operator: "Certainly sir, will that be strikers or defenders?"

Q: What do Aston Villa fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do you call 100 Arsenal fans at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start.

Q: If, while driving, you see a Liverpool fan on a bicycle, why should you never try to run him over?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What would you do if you saw a Man United fan walking towards you with a gunshot wound?
A: Keep firing!

Chelsea have Chelsea TV, Manchester United have MUTV, Liverpool have the History Channel.

The Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps, featuring pictures of Manchester United players. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys.

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.
The police are looking for a man with a claret and blue carpet.

Oxo are producing a cube with a Leeds United badge on it. It's going to be called a laughing stock.

Q: What do you call a Manchester City fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: How many Spurs supporters does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Thieves broke into the home of a Liverpool fan and stole two books.
"The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Emirates?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Stamford Bridge.

Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: What is black and white, black and white and black and white?
A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill.

The fire brigade phones Harry Redknapp in the early hours of the morning...
"Harry, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" shouts Harry.
"Calm down, Harry...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet."

Q: What's the difference between the Wigan keeper and a taxi driver?
A: A taxi driver only lets in four at a time.

Manchester City have moved quickly to deny rumours of a rift between Roberto Mancini and Craig Bellamy.
A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a personality clash between the two - everybody knows that Bellamy hasn't got a personality."

Q: Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?
A: Who cares!

Two men are stranded on a desert island. One carves a notch on a tree to keep track of the date and sighs, "I see Newcastle lost again."
"How could you possibly know that?" asks his companion.
The other man replies "Well it's Saturday, isn't it."

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to Leeds United fans?
A: It saves time.

Q: How many Wigan fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them!

Q: What do you call a West Ham fan in a suit?
A: The accused.

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